Choosing a person to marry is one of the most important decisions one makes in life. Marriage should be a subject someone things about over and over again, lest hasty bad decisions are made. While some attributes desired in a spouse are good, there are also some undesirable attributes that go along with the good ones. It is difficult to generally determine if marrying someone who is a friend vs. a lover or conversely marrying someone who is a lover vs. a friend is respectively a good or bad choice.
Choosing a person that is only a friend has pros and cons. Obviously, one can talk openly about deep personal issues with a good friend. One enjoys the company of a good friend. A friend usually cares about our well-being, and a good friend helps us in times of need. All these things are desirable in a marriage. Yet, there are things some things a friend may not provide someone. For instance, one's friend could be very different from him or her. Goals and ambitions could be very different. Although someone's friend may care about him or her, they have not had experience being intimately close to that person. While someone's friend may spend time with him or her, are they willing to make an exclusive commitment to that person.
Choosing a person that is exclusively a lover and or a romantic interest has pros and cons as well. A "boyfriend" or girlfriend" clearly wants a more exclusive deep relationship with someone from the start. A good boyfriend or girlfriend sacrifices more time and effort to be with their partner than a friend may. More personal emotions through physical intimacy or otherwise are shared by partners or lovers. However, raging emotions and or physical intimacy with a boyfriend or girlfriend may a allow partners to overlook major character flaws in each other. Because one may fear losing a partner or being hurt by someone with whom that one has an intimate attachment, one may not be as honest or transparent with their partner as they would be with a friend. This is definitely a negative phenomenon. Honesty and transparency are essential to choosing the right spouse.
The reason the pros and cons of marrying an exclusive lover or romantic interest and the pros and cons of marrying an exclusive friend were displayed was to derive the conclusion that neither an exclusive friend nor an exclusive lover or romantic interest has a flawless possibility of being the perfect spouse. It is reasonable to assume that a combination of a friend and romantic interest or lover could be a very good person to marry. Notwithstanding, everybody is different, and so what may work for one may not work another.
Because it has been shown that both a friend and lover have potentially harmful and potentially good qualities, it is wise not to insist that marrying exclusively a friend is better or marring exclusively a lover is better. Remember that hasty decisions are usually bad, and those who do not consider multiple options are guided more by chance than by critical thinking. It is best not to leave one's life up to chance; the world is too dangerous to do that.
©2010 Justin A. Bancroft
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Another short writing by Justin A. Bancroft